I suppose that I should finally come here to seek help, I'm more or less out of every other venue as they have all proven fruitless and not changed much. Simple way to say it is that I have pretty deep moodswings between pretty chill n happy that can go decently quick to being depressed as all hell over something as stupid as a game or negative gesture. Doesnt go both ways really so it's a lot harder to go back to happy after the sad wave hits. Sad waves are generally just one little thing reminding me of other small things that are parts of medium things of large things that are bad about me and why I shouldnt bother continuing to exist. Then after that, I mope around trying to find something, anything to get me to be a happy, sociable and friendly person(and maybe love myself). In the bad slumps (which are a lot of slumps these days) I even get the thoughts that life is pointless and I have no point to continue the show as it will all end the same way or negligibly different either way. I mean I'm not the best at anything and never will be as that would already be apparent at the moment should that be the case of either scenarios. I will just go through my entire life unsatisfied with who I am and what I've done, never doin something that really has impact on me or others. perhaps I can make small impacts, but those are small and unfulfilling, leading back to the problem of me hating that I can't do anything that makes me happy. So all these bundles of joy results in me wishing no one cared about me so I could end my life without causing others grief. But I'm stuck since that isnt the case, and for some reason others caring just doesnt make me happy, since I didnt do much to make those who care, care. I just hate who I am, my lack of motivation, my depression, my mediocrity in everything I do and will ever do, only generally reaching above average before hitting my limit and being as useless in that area as I am in everything else. It's hilarious that I have the audacity to claim such woe when I'm living "the dream" for countless other people, and have so many opportunities for everything, But I have already failed it seems at fully taking advantage of such opportunities, starting everything I seem to care about too late cuss I played gamez instead of what was the important stuffs. All I seemed to have going for me a while ago was being a good guy, but I fucked that up when I was a terrible friend to my best friend, and probably never will have another being who I am(for long at least). Overall, I just don't think I can be a happy person...I have short bursts sure but well...it sucks. It just sucks to be this guy that is such a downer and cant be a good sport or a positive thinker or a good person at heart. I feel like an anchor dragging everyone else in my life down from the heights they could reach without me bothering them. I would hope to change that and change myself to be able to be happy for more than 12 hours for once. I don't know if it's possible at this point, but here's to the chance of it bein possible. I don't want to be sad around those who have seen it...I just don't know how to be happy anymore.(I also hope I'm not bipolar *sigh* that would suuuuuck) Consider yeeselves dismissed from this here text wall.