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Octy

dat zesty lemon sucker needs YOUR help

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ive had the idea of writing a fic and came up with this please give me ur opinion on it nd whether or not i should carry this on

Abhorrent Behaviour

The origin of the story is on a dark and gloomy summers night, the moon covered in smoke from the factory the smoke was dense, thick and impossible to see through. As the night extended in time the amount of smoke coming from the factory became denser and larger. From the outside of the rusty corroded gates you could hear screams of fillies being tortured with what seems to be sharpened cleavers and poison gas chambers.

After they were killed the leader of the factory would cook them in an oven on the ovens inside was charred pieces of filly flank imprinted onto the oven and stains of blood sprayed against the side. At the top of the oven was a vent it led all the way to the top of factory the smoke that made the night so gloomy was coming from the ventilation hole. No pony ever dared go inside because of the horror they’ll be exposed to. The factory was owned by sacrament a devilish and spineless mad scientist pony who became at one with Satan earlier during the year. He wore a white scientist coat as white as paper with crisp brown trousers that look like they had just been ironed. Inside his factory he also had “filly killer” I device more sickening and abhorrent than the other contraptions inside the factory of doom.

The factory had been there for decades no one ever comes out of it not even those who dare face the exposure of what is truly gruesome.

Enough about the factory lets the start the story at the beginning.

The origin of the story is on a dark and gloomy summers night, the moon covered in smoke from the factory the smoke was dense, thick and impossible to see through. As it so happens it was a night of true terror, Halloween!

The cutie mark crusaders were trick or treating at every door they knocked.

“ Sweetie belle… do you think we should knock at every house” applebloom said whilst staring at the face of the nauseating rusty gates of sacrament’s lurid factory. By this time scootaloo and sweetie belle both looked up together almost in sync to see the thick dense smoke. They gulped in sync as they looked upwards.

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Great idea, i actually like a well-done grimdark (i'm creepy that way), and this seems to scream excellence at me. you should continue it.

now here's the harsh part, you need to improve your grammar. I noticed a few places where a comma should've been but wasn't, but that was pretty much it

Edited by Pencil Doodle

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Great idea, i actually like a well-done grimdark (i'm creepy that way), and this seems to scream excellence at me. you should continue it.

now here's the harsh part, you need to improve your grammar. I noticed a few places where a comma should've been but wasn't, but that was pretty much it

I KNOW MY GRAMMAR IS TERRIBLE!

but thanks anyway ill probally crack down on grammar during the holiday revision session at school

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Well if you get someone to help you with the grammar it could be pretty interesting. Make sure though it doesn't turn into a Rainbow Factory/Cupcakes/Cheerilee's Garden ripoff in the process though, the theme sounds very similar to several of them (especially Rainbow Factory), and find a reason for why this guy is killing the fillies and how he is getting away with it that seems beliveable.

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k i will i dont want it to be a rip oof of them i didnt know the beggining was familiar because ive never read any of them lol

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