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Yoko

Constant thoughts of suicide every night

7 posts in this topic

I can't get them out of my head every night and it's just been bothering for these past months.

And it's even more annoying that I don't have the will or courage to commit such act so it's just really dumb for me to even keep having these thoughts.

I've been to a psyche ward many, many times and I'm afraid that my therapist will send me back if I confess despite having no reason to harm myself.

tl;dr

Why do I do this to myself? Am I actually suicidal or do I just hate myself?

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I understand this is frightening for you, and that you don't know whats going on or why its happening. The brain doesn't always need a good reason to create feelings. Instead, you most likely have a chemical imbalance which makes you very partial to suicidal tendencies and thoughts.

 

There are a lot of positives, though. Many can't identify that their tendencies are shifted from how they should be. It can become very difficult for some to distinguish how they should feel and what they are actually feeling. You should not feel suicidal, you can identify that and say "Hey, wtf brain?".

 

My suggestion would be to find proffessional help on this that will have a positive effect. Psyche wards are for critical conditions, they are not used for continual treatment generally. I cannot give you proffessional advice at all, all I can say is that any good proffessional isn't going to just send you to a ward because you bring up the subject. If your therapist is trigger happy in doing so and doesn't understand that you're not critical if you're really not, then you do have the option of switching proffessionals. Finding a good therapist can be difficult for some, but this is your life.

 

The problem generally is how to communicate your feelings. Seeking treatment with residual suicidal tendency and not for suicide intervention can have its difficulties because you have to agree with yourself that you're not going to fulfill it. You can do that, and make it known that the actions your brain wants to happen are not the same as what you are going to do. Rather, you know that what you're feeling isn't right, and you want to make changes to your life that will help you fix it.

 

There are lot of threads out there on Reddit that give good information on this and the experience of others.

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/1c3p3z/helpful_resources_for_those_struggling_with/

 

My last suggestion, and I'm not trying to be mean or say your issue isn't serious or anything, but you may want to delete this thread and seek out places that are much more well equipped for it. I know from experience that it can feel very shameful to have threads running around that your friends and potential friends can find later on. Its not a topic many are able to deal with well.

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Not really sure if this will help you, but this helped me a long time ago, so... well, here ya go.

Are you suicidal? While I can't talk for your mind, your body very definitely does not want to die. I mean, this probably will sound harsh, but you can't just die like that, even if you for whatever reason thought it would be the best thing. Your body wants to live, and it will do its damnedest to survive even the harshest of situations.
Thus, by extend, since your brain doesn't want to die, your mind doesn't want to either, so you don't want to die... At least, that's how I see it.
Honestly, if anything, you seeking out aid, both in RL as here on the forums implies that you want to at least talk about it with others, which is another point for you wanting to live.

Why are you doing this to yourself? I dunno why exactly you personally would think about suicide... but it's an interesting concept to think about in general, since it's result (death) is something that everyone will someday encounter.
Is it considered unhealthy to think about death? Nah, everyone eventually realises it's the goal everyone will reach, you would be called crazy to deny this. Heck, some people even (ironically) make a living just by thinking about it, writing about it and talking with others about it.
So, if thinking about death can be called "normal", why would suicide be anything less? If you really want a reason as to why you think about it, consider because you simply can. I mean, if you couldn't... you're either dead, or don't have a normal brain. First and foremost, to think about suicide, you have to be alive. This may sound stupid... but often times, people who do end up committing suicide already think they are dead, which obviously is not the case here. You already said that you have no want of harming yourself, which means that you don't want to die.
But, if you don't want to die yourself, then why think about it? Actually, a multiple of things could be the reason;
-Simple curiosity (my case)
-Someone in your environment commited suicide, and you want to understand just why someone would do it, oftentimes helping with grief.
-You're someone who thinks about the "great things" like life/death/the universe/infinity or whatever, and your thought wandered to this subject.
-Or, and usually the most likely, you are afraid to die (and really do not want to die), and you hope that thinking about death (and suicide) could prepare you to cope with it whenever the reaper decides to visit you.

 

Again, I don't know if any of this helped you (it will probably read as a ramble), since me being "highly functional" or whatnot makes me think different, but... it helped me nonetheless, so... yeah.

Remember, you can only think about death if you're alive... so stay alive, okay?





 

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What I do when I have horrible thoughts is try to follow a logical thought process as to what will happen afterward until the horrible thought becomes stupid and/or troublesome to think about.

 

You can also work on a project. Staying active can keep your mind in a healthier state.

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Yoko i don't think you are suicidal. Don't let those kinds of thoughts get to you. We are here for you and trust me killing yourself will do far more harm then you can imagine. It's not worth it. Yoko im not sure what exactly is causing these thoughts but i know you can beat it.

 

Anyways that's all i can say and i pray you snap out of this. I hope you feel better.

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On 1/6/2016 at 8:07 AM, +Yoko said:

I can't get them out of my head every night and it's just been bothering for these past months.

And it's even more annoying that I don't have the will or courage to commit such act so it's just really dumb for me to even keep having these thoughts.

I've been to a psyche ward many, many times and I'm afraid that my therapist will send me back if I confess despite having no reason to harm myself.

tl;dr

Why do I do this to myself? Am I actually suicidal or do I just hate myself?

Same here i went on a Suicide Help Forum to try to get a 2nd POV so i can stop it and what i was told was if i kept worrying about it will slowly kill me because the one that replyed had the same thing happen so try if you can to not think about it and instead think of about something else that makes you happy.

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